The Oracle

Public displays of affection: 10 commandments for couples to follow

The Oracle

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1. Busy intersections are NOT suitable locations for interactions that include more than handholding. You are obstructing the flow of traffic and are posing a threat to society.

2. Please refrain from making out in classrooms. Teachers don’t want to see that. Actually, no one wants to see that.

3. If your romantic counterpart is walking to class with a friend, avoid lingering goodbyes. Not only do they make third wheeling even more uncomfortable than it already is, but it is also completely unnecessary. You’ll be reunited in 58 minutes, not 58 days.

4. While handholding is perfectly acceptable (and even encouraged), please keep in mind that it does make you and your partner an indestructible wall. Occasionally, such as in crowded places, you will need to let go of each other’s hands and break rank. That being said, non-handholders should try to avoid coming between couples holding hands. It’s just awkward.

5. If you are doing anything in public you wouldn’t do in front of your most conservative family member, stop.

6. Please do not look at someone else when making out with your significant other. Eyes should be kept closed as to avoid any extremely uncomfortable situations.

7. No tickle fights. It leads to blatant groping, which is entirely inappropriate when in public. Unless someone pukes from laughing too hard—then it’s hilarious and totally acceptable.

8. Eskimo kisses are adorable. Butterfly kisses, on the other hand, are not. It’s quite obvious that no one above the age of five should be giving butterfly kisses.

9. No caressing, stroking, or any other synonymous actions. Please.

10. If you decide to deliberately defy these etiquette tips and continue engaging in displays of affection unwanted by the public, please try to follow just this one rule: for the love of God, do not make any sounds. No moaning or groaning or noises of any sorts. Anything you do in public should be done in silence. No one—and that means no one­—wants to hear that.

—Compiled by Amrita Moitra 

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Public displays of affection: 10 commandments for couples to follow