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The worst college essay ever written

Disclaimer: This is not a serious essay. With seniors hard at work on essays, I wanted to provide a more humorous interpretation.

While I tell you this story reader, I want you to imagine me as an old man with a white beard who sits by the fire in a fuzzy robe. Whenever I use an adjective I will stroke my beard and whenever you see a period, imagine me taking a sip of coffee.

Once upon a time, I was cooking the turkey for Thanksgiving. I was only 13 years old—take a minute to contemplate my precocious maturity. While I was cooking, my brother walked up to me and reminded me to rotate the turkey so it would fully roast. In my obstreperous, truculent state—#SAT LOL—I rotated my spine 137 degrees at a stunning rate of 42 mph and my right forearm whipped skyward toward his unknowing, yet subtle face. As my soft and clammy hand connected with my brother’s lower jawbone, his face drew back, and he yelped like a distraught rabbit under the full moon.

At the time I was as furious as the native people of the Amazon when their homes get cut down for tree bark. But later I calmed down and realized that the turkey actually did need to be rotated. I am now a well-known activist in the global community—my family—for world peace. For example I am famous for holding up the two-finger peace sign followed by a duck face.

Now I will respond to the prompt on the Common App. I was shooting the basketball like Michael Jordan. Swoosh. Dribble. Did you know that Michael Jordan got cut from his varsity basketball team in high school? Well, so did I. I also got cut from my charity organization, but that is another story. Anyways, the ref blew the whistle, and the game started. The score was 0-0. It was intense, and I was locked in. The ball for this game was an orange round circle, almost like a sphere. The ball also had a circumference and radius.

Okay, I lied. I got ejected from the game in warm-ups. And I also suffered a severe tooth injury. After that I went to the dentist. He saw that I had chipped my tooth and told me there was nothing he could do. He also told me that I should start flossing regularly. I didn’t. Anyway, my chipped tooth injury indentured (no pun intended) me for the next four years, which explains my horrendous grades.

By the way, for the season, I averaged two points per game on the JV squad, one-fourteenth of what Michael Jordan averaged.

Thank you for reading this essay and considering my application. I asked my friends for a couple of words to describe myself, and they are as following: genius, intelligent, above-average intelligence, average, not particularly smart, not smart, idiot, moron.

Now pick your jaw up off of the ground. I know that you know that I know that you love this essay.  I will now to end this Shakespeare level essay with a quote, “It’s true. I am the Chosen One, only I can destroy him, but in order to do so, I need to know what Tom Riddle asked you all those years ago in your office and I need to know what you told him. Be brave, sir. Be brave like my mother.” —Harry Potter [Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince]

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