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‘SpongeBob’ movie inspires staffer’s rave review

Written by Justin Wenig

Disclaimer: I wrote this while wearing SpongeBob boxers, and I may be prone to hyperbole.

Every once in a while, a piece of art is created that is so distinct, there is no precedent. It is so thought-provoking that each independent mind must take an independent stance.

And now I will undertake this mission to evaluate an unprecedented grasp at metaphysical understanding represented in the form of motion picture. “SpongeBob SquarePants the Movie: Sponge Out of Water” may seem somewhat asinine and outlandish, but this insanity is what spawns artistic beauty and perpetuates the perfect ineffability of the artwork.

So let these words be my wings, this keyboard my Bible, this halo my idealism—as I embark the second manifest destiny of America, reviewing “SpongeBob SquarePants the Movie: Sponge Out of Water”.

I possess a mental book of SpongeBob quotes that could make the most loyal girlfriend cringe, and it got a lot bigger during this movie. The whole movie is kind of a royal intoxication.

The only thing I didn’t like about the movie was that I was hungover after watching it. It’s hard to go from gawking at Squidasaurus Rex—yes, Squidward turns into a T-Rex—to talking to your mom about second semester senior year grades.

It also targets all age groups effectively. For kids, there is plenty of dumb humor revolving around star Patrick Starr. For teens, there is classic SpongeBob ridiculousness and vague innuendos. (And for young adults who are sufficiently under the influence to watch SpongeBob in theaters, there are Pharell Williams songs coupled with hallucinogenic visuals.)

The movie is more or less the first time SpongeBob and company have actually gone on land. Although I will concede that the out-of-water visuals are very cool, I am a conservative SpongeBoblican and don’t think the land parts beat the underwater parts.

After all, part of the greatness of SpongeBob is its unfettered and beautiful imagination, and land is far too constraining for the movie to literally and figuratively show the true colors of the characters and thematic motifs.

The movie hides its ingeniousness until the ending. It makes the complexity of “Inception” look like the complexity of Hungry Hungry Hippos. It will blow your mind—so much in fact that I would recommend wearing a helmet while watching the movie.

This movie changed the way I view the world. I entered the theater a caterpillar; by the end of the movie I was a butterfly, a yellow butterfly living in a pineapple under a tree.

Even if you don’t possess the insane love of SpongeBob that is necessary to truly understand this movie, you will likely come away chuckling. And even if you don’t come away chuckling, I guarantee you’ll find some mentally insane yet awesome people in the movie theater like me.

I will officially give this movie five pineapples out of five pineapples. Now it is your turn, reader, to evaluate what renowned critic Justin Wenig said was “the greatest thing created since Squidward.” Best of luck on your journey. Your opinion is just as valid as mine.

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