The Oracle

Apocalype now? I am prepared

The Oracle

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Written by: Mitch Donat

The original intent of this article was to tell readers the best ways to live it up on the last day of the world, Dec. 21. But after a moment’s thought, it’s pretty obvious. People should spend time with their families, go out and have fun with their significant other and hang out with their best friends. There’s not much to ruminate on. Instead, there are a few notable things to avoid on the last day of the world which, of course, is 100 percent confirmed. As an experienced survivor of doomsdays and human extinction, I present the four things to avoid on the last day of the world:

1) Skydiving. Frequently, when an individual is asked what they would do at the brink of extermination, this is the first thing that pops into their head. Why would you do something everyone else is already planning to do? For one, the lines will be long and boring, and you won’t feel as special when countless others are already falling out of the sky. Granted, skydiving is undoubtedly thrilling, but it would be better to try skydiving a couple days before when the demand isn’t through the roof. On Dec. 21, avoid the skies and stick to other things.

2) Drugs. This isn’t going to be another preaching along the lines of “don’t do drugs and stay in school.” But really, there are more important things to do on the last day of the world than participate in harmful activities in a downtown alleyway. Spending your last hours in a police car or jailhouse doesn’t sound very fun either. Instead, on doomsday you should face the destruction clean and sober.

3) Sleep. It’s best to hold your head high and die, rather than drool on a mattress complaining about how you definitely just failed that economics final and be unfortunately swept away. Take a couple energy shots, get outside, and live a little. Not to mention, you don’t want to miss out on the epic tsunami or earthquake at your door step.

4) Chores. Obviously, you’re a perfect student who does all the chores their parents ask of you. But maybe, just for once in your life, you could be a little rebellious and avoid taking out the trash. “We won’t be alive tomorrow” sounds like a good excuse to tell your parents. It’s the last day of the semester and the world, so avoid strenuous activities like chores and other obligations. There’s no point in folding laundry that won’t be used tomorrow.

Whatever the plans are for the last day of the world, it’s best to make sure to live it up in such a way that they’ll be satisfied in their final minutes. Although it’s okay to show a rebellious side, everyone should stay clean. If I’m wrong, and the world doesn’t end, then at least everyone will be able to look back on their celebrations with fond memories.


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Apocalype now? I am prepared