In Chinese, there’s a phrase: “as big as the sky.” It means that something is so important and will leave such a lasting impact on your life, it’s as though it’s as big as the sky. Except, my mom would always tell me when she found me devastated after tragedy, “Nothing is that big.” Bombing a math test isn’t as big as the sky, a bad breakup isn’t as big as the sky and, by Lord, getting rejected from college is not as big as the sky.
But sometimes, when things go wrong, it’s like the weight of the universe has fallen on you. Maybe it’s because of my subpar coping mechanisms, but I have never felt normal about any rejection. Still, my mom’s voice would ring in my head — “nothing is as big as the sky” — and would realize: I did what I could. I can’t go back and change anything, but I put everything I had into everything I did, and I have no regrets. That’s as big as the sky. That’s everything.
My time in high school has been dotted with struggles: I was hospitalized my freshman year, then again my junior year, and almost failed a good chunk of my classes. I lost some people close to me, and possibly worst of all, I dated a SoundCloud rapper. There were so many things I couldn’t control, despite my best efforts — things that I clawed at and cried about. It’s not in my nature to be nonchalant. I wrote the most embarrassing emails to teachers and professors begging for extensions, exceptions, recommendations; I tried manifesting, with pen and paper, to pass classes; I stalked my ex- boyfriends from burner Instagram accounts.
The grief and trauma these experiences have left me are significant, sure — but so are the growth and understanding I’ve gained as a result. I’ve learned that what happens after I put my heart (and dignity) on the line aren’t up to me. The second you press send — whether it be on a college application or on a horrifically long-winded text — you’re leaving everything else up to chance. And, yes, you’ll be hurt sometimes. But it hurts more to know that you missed out on something you could’ve had if you just tried a little harder.
How, then, do we live life minimizing these wishes of doing more, doing better? By doing everything we can, all the time. We work hard to achieve results and then dismiss that work when the results are unsatisfactory — studying for a test only to fail, falling in love with someone who will never love you back. But if you look back on the process — how hard you worked and the passion you put in — the results are nowhere near as big as the sky.
By all means, celebrate your accomplishments — but celebrate your efforts as well. The only way to live with no regrets is to do it all, to the best of your ability. Doing your best is hard, and doing it all the time is harder. The times when doing your best results in disappointment or heartbreak are the hardest. But isn’t it better to try and fail, to love and lose, than to never try and never love? Then, you can look back knowing that you did everything in your power, and there is nothing to regret.
No results are as big as the sky. But your efforts, your heart, your soul — those are as big as the universe.
