Humor: Culprits caught for campus crimes


Eating in the Library

There’s a certain code when it comes to keeping Gunn’s sacred library clean—a code that some people still manage to ignore by eating under its roof. Not only is it a health hazard, with crumbs and spills inviting ants or termites, but it’s also a disruption to the peaceful study environment. No one wants to hear loud chewing or slurping while trying to focus on their DeltaMath. But let’s not forget about the potential damage to school property. Food stains, crumbs in keyboards and sticky chairs are just some of the horrors that our heroic librarians have to contend with on a daily basis. Please, please think twice before bringing your chips and boba into the library. It’s not only disrespectful to your peers and school property, but it’s also an unforgivable crime that can have lasting consequences. Save the snacks for the quad, and let’s keep our library clean and pest-free—because eating in the library? It might be a novel idea to some, but pesky mess-makers ought to turn a new page.


Vandalizing Bathrooms

The ultimate crime to be committed at Gunn is not just a problem for the school administration: It’s a problem for the students, too. Sure, carving initials with a heart sign on a bathroom stall might seem like a harmless prank, but imagine just how much seeing it would pain a heartbroken young freshman. Every toilet that gets clogged with paper towels and each saddeningly empty soap dispenser takes up valuable time from our custodial staff, who we all know are already overworked with all of the plastic bags that litter the quad—playing the vandal just doesn’t help anyone. Messing up the bathroom also creates an uncomfortable and unsanitary environment for everyone. No one wants to enter a suspicious- smelling stall or parkour across broken tiles on the floor. It’s not fair to the students who are simply trying to finish up their business. Each student has small ways to show appreciation for the school and make everyone’s life a little bit easier. Plus, who knows—you might be able to apply your graffiti skills in the art building and become a modern Basquiat.


Denying the Pool

There’s a saying at Gunn that goes, “If you deny the existence of the pool on top of Spangenberg Theatre, you’ll be jailed in the Spangenberg dungeon.” Source: unknown. But what’s so special about this pool that denying its existence is such a heinous act? Legend has it that the pool was built back in the 1960s as a secret training facility for the school’s Olympic-level swim team. It’s said to be accessible only by a concealed backstage entrance, and the only way to get in is by swiping a secret keycard that only Gunn administration have access to. Now, some skeptics might try to tell you that the pool doesn’t exist. They’ll say it’s just a myth passed down from one generation of Gunn students to the next. But those of us who know the truth acknowledge that denying the existence of the pool is simply unacceptable. So, the next time someone tries to tell you that there’s no pool on top of Spangenberg Theatre, just smile and nod. They might not be ready to face the painful truth. But for the rest of us, we’ll keep practicing our dives and dreaming of the day we’ll make it onto the Olympic swim team.


Jumping the Lunch Line

Everybody has seen the suspects in action, hopping the fence to take their share of the trove hidden away behind the P-building walls. Once the post-lunch bell stampede concludes, about four-fifths of the school seems to be stuck behind the steel grates and concrete pillars of the dreaded line. Those who violate the sanctity of the queue are committing truly heinous deeds. Luckily, our beloved campus monitors are there as security to lay down the law on those trying to practice their hurdles. They’re known for no-nonsense attitudes and passionate protection of the lunch line. If you think you’ll get past them, you might want to think again. Let’s be real for a second. At one point or another, we all face the infinite stretch of students ahead of us and the human river that balloons out from the end of the metal grates. It’s a struggle, but one we share. To bypass this test of Gunn spirit is not only shameful in and of itself, but everyone behind you sees exactly what you’re doing—regardless of how subtle you think you’re being.