The Oracle

Isaac’s Top 6 steps to avoid a penalty

The Oracle

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Written By Isaac Wang

  1. Foul in a really obscure way like dumping piranhas into the opposing team’s side of the pool. Remember: if it’s not in the rule book, they can’t nab you for it.
  2. When called out for overaggression, blame violent video games for making you the way you are. After all, a little roughness is to be expected after playing “Grand Theft Auto: FIFA Edition.”
  3. Don’t wait for the referee to call you out on something. Take the initiative and report the referee for excessive whistle-blowing, getting in the way and general meanness. The best defense is a strong and uncalled-for offense. Every referee you send into a nervous break down is one less for you to deal with.
  4. A referee without his whistle is just a regular guy wearing stripes. Render him powerless by hiding his source of power (bonus points if you can frame the other team for taking the whistle).
  5. Disguise yourself in the opposing team’s uniform so that the other school gets penalized for whatever fouls you commit. Yes, referees are that dumb. No, you won’t get in trouble.
  6. Join the NYPD. They get away with everything.

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Isaac’s Top 6 steps to avoid a penalty